Potter vs. Black:
by Nacasara
Summary: This is written by me and my friend Danielle. I am playing Sirius Black, and she is playing James potter. BEWERE!!!! snarhasem, qudditch hand-helds, Raquel welch, and Sirius' feminine side!! use with EXTREAM caution! Not for those with weak hearts!!
1. prolouge- Prolouge *dear lord, how creat...

PROLOGE  
  
  
  
Sirius: the amazing adventures of Sirius Black  
  
James: no, dumby! It's called the amazing adventures of James potter  
  
* Start wrestling each other over what they should call their story *  
  
Sirius: Sirius black!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
James: Potter!!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
* Danielle and Sam walk in *  
  
  
  
Sam: why don't we just call it "potter vs. black: the peace- I mean war"  
  
James: Yeah, I like that, how about you, Padfoot?  
  
Sirius: Bravo girls!!!!!!  
  
Danielle: now all we need is to figure out whom to dedicate it to.  
  
* Danielle hits her forehead with her fist, Sirius and James get into another fight *  
  
James: LILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sirius: MEKEL WELCH!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
And so our story begins……….. 


	2. Chapter 1- the war begins...

A/n yes, I made a mistake in the prologue- it should have been Raquel Welch. sorry….. *goes off and cries *  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 1- The war begins by Danielle (aka James Potter)  
  
  
  
Hello, my name is James Potter (duh!). I am also a Stag named Prongs. My buddies are Moony, Wormtail, and Sirius, also known as Padfoot, who once tried to eat me and now he is trying to convince me that dogs are better than Stags. Of course they are not! Sirius just won me at chess, which makes me REALLY mad! It is now midnight, I am now going to bed, I sleep below Sirius, which is really bad because he talks all night in his sleep about girls and it keeps me up! He once talked about Lily, which we…ugh… don't need to go into right now. Anyway-  
  
"OUCH! Sirius! What was that for?"  
  
"It's time to go to bed, Stupid!"  
  
What was that all about? I've never been called 'stupid' before, in fact, I rank #1 in all my classes! Padfoot on the other hand, isn't too bright! I'm he managed to think up that plan to pull that huge prank on McGonagall, which WAS pretty dumb, anyway.  
  
Sirius takes a really long time on the toilet (he probably plays his Qudditch handheld in there.) Although he also- oh, I mean, back to my story. Stags are better! You may think that Dogs are, but they are gritty and carry fleas and are murderous, but we stags are prettier and we are herbivores and are NOT murderous. I also am more handsome and stronger- Top that, Sirius; oh yeah, well where was I? Stags are better, and I can prove it! Even if it means killing myself, I mean…ugh… never mind.  
  
"Sirius, outa the toilet! There's a line out here!"  
  
"Kay, just a second!"  
  
A second? It was more like 30 minutes! By the time he was done, the rest of us were al dead! When I went to bed, I heard snoring, and found out it was Remus, who was two beds away from me, and Peter, who was in the bed next to mine, had already fallen off the bed a while ago. Sirius started sleep talking about Judy Garland in a bikini (which I find disturbing) And then it hit me! I had to find someway to prove to Sirius that stags are better than dogs! 


	3. Chapter 2-Siri tells All...

A/N this chapter is by me. Lol… I am also the Padfoot of my group…that's why I am doing this, Danielle is Prongs, and Moony changes from time to time. Wormtail moved away last year, but that is a good thing ( not really, though because he was really nice.  
  
I am worried about my best friend James. He seems to be under the impression that stags are better than dogs. Now, really… where the heck do you think he got that ridicules idea? Must be Lily. I told him that girl was bad for his health. Oh well, his loss.  
  
Moony thinks that James is entitled to his own opion. I wish he wasn't such a darn pacifist all the time. At least I can beat them all at chess. I AM THE KING OF CHESS!!!!!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Btw, I just beat James at chess a few minutes ago and he is sooo ticked off! I love the way his cheeks go that lovely shade of tickle-me-pink, it reminds me of one of my sister's dresses. James is not the king of the world, even though he might think so, even though he DOES have the hottest girlfriend in all of Hogwarts… and he is a seeker on the Gryffindor qudditch team. Not to mention that he is pretty strong. Not stronger than me, of course. Those ten times that he beat me when we were arm wrestling- don't really count. I was really tired- and I hadn't eaten my lunch yet.  
  
Anyway, as I was saying, James thinks that stags are better than dogs. Where he got that nasty idea, I have no clue, BUT I have to prove him wrong.  
  
Now, James has this silly little idea floating around in his head that he is the king of the world. He's not- SO I have to find his weakness so that maybe I can make him admit that dogs ARE better than stags.  
  
I decided that it would be too hard to A) deprive him of food and/ or B) steal lily (she knows kung-fu.) I'm not saying that I don't, it's just that it's not polite to hurt a lady.  
  
  
  
And I am naturally a polite person  
  
Maybe I could deprive him of sleep. Yes! That would work perfectly, in fact, that's what I am going to do!  
  
When we first got here, James was whining that we had to sleep in 4-posters, and he wanted to sleep in a bunk bed. So, you can say we did a bit of…err… redecorating. Moony wasn't happy, because he's afraid of heights, so I told him to sleep on the bottom of his an' wormtails set, But he was still all sour about it, and made James an me change em back. James makes me sleep on the top. I don't know why, him bein' the big bad qudditch player and all. James can be very whinny at times. He says that I talk in my sleep about girls all the time. Groddies. Why would I do a disgusting thing like that? Okay, maybe about hot girls. In bikinis. Oh and about Raquel Welch. One time, I woke up, and I don't know what I said, but it must have been pretty bad because all of my pillows James and Moony think I have a 'thing' about pillows. I have them EVERYWHERE in our dorm, bathroom, beds, floor- everywhere, and they think it is unhealthy. I just think it makes our boring old dorm look more 'homey') well anyway, they were all missing, and James was perched over me with his Cleansweep 2. I don't really remember anything happing after that, except having a killer headache.  
  
Anyway, my mission to keep James up all night was a complete failure. I finally fell asleep myself, and he went off and had lots of fun without me, which really ticked me off. According to him, he went out to the Slytherin corridor and scared the pants offa Snape. Doesn't sound like much fun to me. I can do that any old time I want!  
  
  
  
A/N the 3rd chapter should be out as soon as Danielle gives me her notebook that has it in there, which will be either tomorrow or the day after.  
  
~Sam (Nacasara or Sirius)  
  
~::~  
  
^^^^^^^ lookie at my double headed snakie!! 


	4. Chapter 3- James gloats about how hot he...

A/n yes, I know that James is a chaser, but in our story, he's a seeker. This is chapter 3 by Danielle (or James)  
  
  
  
My world is turning topsey turvey, as Remus once said. Sirius is done talking about Judy Garland in a bikini, and has now moved back on to Raquel Welch again. This is crazy! I couldn't take it anymore, with Remus's snoring, the noise of Peter, continually falling off the bed and getting back on and Sirius' sleep talking. I almost lost my head!!!! I went to the bathroom, which was stunk up by Sirius, so I had to go to the public Bathroom under my invisibility cloak and passed by the Slytherin corridor. So, I decided to play a little trick on Snape. I slipped in, and since the walls were made out of the kind of rock that echoes all the time, I went right up to Snape dorm and hissed, "come out, Severus…" I didn't leave until I heard a girlish scream, and then knew my work was done and left.  
  
The next morning, I woke Sirius up and told him that he missed out on a lot of fun the last night. He got mad at me and called me many names that you really don't need to hear because they are quite inappropriate. Today was no school, because it was a wizard holiday. So, I thought of thinking of a way to make Sirius think that stags are better than dogs. By the way, Sirius has many pictures of Raquel Welch over the walls. I though a hypnotism potion might do the trick, but where would I get the ingredients? I thought of looking in my potions book and found the recipe AND stuff that would- no wait this is too hard to do in private. Sirius is practically my shadow! He'd find out immediately! I am more popular than Sirius (I'm the most popular kid in school) and I have the hottest girlfriend in all of Hogwarts, which makes me- sorry, I'm losing my temper. Maybe I could abduct his cat, Erythimic and hold her hostage and make him say it, or I could take his favorite pillow, yes! That's what I'll- no wait again. It has teeth marks and saliva all over it from when Sirius plays with it. He also has his Qudditch handheld which he treasures, that probley explains why he wishes he were me…the stronger….bolder…handsomer one….  
  
"Shut up Prongs! That's not even a word!"  
  
"Be quiet, Padfoot! This is my Pint of view!"  
  
"go talk to Remus, you dork Marauder! "  
  
"Dork? Why you!"  
  
"oh, shut you, Prongs!"  
  
Anyway, I am stronger which explains why I won 10 times arm wrestling! Padfoot just doesn't want to admit that! He also (as I told you earlier) dreams about girls in bikinis. Especially Raquel Welch. He's her favorite. She's the one he mostly dreams about, wearing bikinis and lingerie.  
  
"Oy! Prongs!"  
  
"What do you want now, you dolt?"  
  
"want to go tease and taunt Snape about how he still wets the bed?"  
  
"yeah. All right." 


	5. Chapter 4-Siri's feminine side.....

A/n WARNING!!!!! Siri' shows his feminine (or feline) side here…(NOT SLASH!!!!)  
  
  
  
I think James might be planning something behind my back.  
  
  
  
No! Really! He's been acting very suspicious whenever he's with me (which is like all the time.) and he hasn't been teasing me 'bout Rithy (she my kitty-cat ()  
  
James used to tease me all the time about her, because I like to stroke her whenever I'm stressed out, because she's my fuzzy-wuzzy bwall of cutie-pie-ness! Oh Yes she is! Her real name is Erythimic and I love her soooooooo much!!!!! She is tawny and has the cutest widdle pinky-winky nose!!!! She likes to nap on my favorite pillow, which is my red one that has 'Siri' written on it in gold letters (my grandmummy gave it to me last year for Christmas). Moony, Wormtail and Prongs think that it's wrong for a 16-year-old boy to have (many) a pillow that his grandmummy made for him WITH his nickname on it AND a kitty-witty cat.  
  
Moony has Tabbs, though, he just scowls whenever I (cheese weasel) bring this up, he says "yeah, Sirius, but Tabbs is a Tom-Cat, not a…. uhrum… kitty-cat." (We are having this conversation outside at care of magical creatures) and then, Prongs comes in and says "ya' know, Padfoot, why don't you give Erythimic to Cassie?" (Cassie's my sister) "You know how she's always winning about how you get a pet and she doesn't! It would be a…learning curve for you…. Giving, instead of receiving." This made me mad!  
  
"First of all, I KNOW Tabbs is a tom cat. Second, I AM NOT GIVING MY POOR LIL' RITHY TO THAT SNOT-NOSED LITTLE BRAT!!! Who knows what she'll do to her! I don't want to come home for summer holidays and find my little sugar muffin, all traumatized because she was made to wear dresses and drink tea with Cassie and her little drooling friends! Don't you remember the dresses, Prongs?"  
  
James blinked at me, then said indigently, "but your mum says I looked very handsome and manly in that blue dress that Cassie always lets me barrow!"  
  
I glared at him. "It's called 'snarhasem' oh great brilliant one!"  
  
Moony burst out laughing "'Sarcasm', dingdong!"  
  
"That's what I said!" I wailed at them "and furthermore, I always give people things- just like I'm a gonna give Jimmy-boy here a knuckle sandwich!!!" I swung my fist out at him, but Moony caught it. Darn his werewolf-like super-human strength!  
  
"I'm cold!" Peter wailed. "You can't be cold! I insult you far better than you insult me!" I snickered at him, pulling my arm away from Moony, who scowled at my joke, and threw Peter his cloak.  
  
"But really, Padfoot," said James. Not wanting to fight, I decided to cause a diversion by turning Peter into a badger….. 


	6. Chapter 5- James talks to himself...

That trick we played on Snape was mean! Even though he does wet the bed all the time. And Sirius thinks he deserved it! Telling Sirius that stags are better then dogs is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I tried to steal his cat, Erythimic, but it failed, because he came out of the bathroom (qudditch hand held in hand) and caught me red handed! Rithy USED to like me a little, but now I don't think she does anymore, after I nearly suffocated her in that pillow for 5 minutes!  
  
I don't think that Sirius is too happy with me, after what I did. But, nevertheless, I still need to figure out a way to prove to him that stags are better than dogs.  
  
Oh, yeah, sorry, it's Remus' day to transform into a werewolf. I need to go get Peter and Sirius to tell them. Good. Now I have them and we have all transformed. I am eating grass right now (I have nothing better to do), and moony, Padfoot and Wormtail are all off in the Shrieking Shack, trying to find Moony another sofa to rip up. I was eating a very scrumptious bit of grass, when I heard a crack from behind me. I turned to see Padfoot, standing there and drooling all over the place (he had stepped on a twig).  
  
"What are you doing here, furball?"  
  
" I WAS going to eat you, but then I decided that I'd get expelled and I'm much too polite, anyway."  
  
"Yeah. Right."  
  
"Dogs are better than stags!" he sneered, than took off.  
  
What do I have to do to get through his thick skull??? Maybe I can steal his favorite pillow, and rip it up- no, that would be taking it too far. I transformed again. I think he might try to get back at me…  
  
"Oh! Hi Lily!" 3  
  
"Hi Jamsie!" (  
  
" Do you think that Sirius thinks that he is the king if the world?" I asked her.  
  
"No. Why?"  
  
"Oh, never mind. I'm going to go to bed. Good night!" 3  
  
at one o'clock that morning, I went up stairs to our dorm. The bathroom was already occupied (by Sirius) and I could also hear snoring. I blamed it on Peter.  
  
Who else could I blame it on?  
  
Qudditch tomorrow!  
  
I got out my Cleansweep 2 (best in the league!) and my robes, then got on my PJ's and hopped into bed.  
  
The next morning, I woke up, and when I went to put my feet on the ground, THERE WAS NO GROUND THERE!!!!! My bed was in mid air (Nacasara: hey! That rhymes!) Obviously, Sirius had levitated my bed while I was asleep, after he got out of the bathroom, of course! I looked down at him. He was knitting (his secret hobby)  
  
"Sirius! You idiot!"  
  
"Yes, Jamsie?"  
  
"You made me late for my Qudditch match!"  
  
"Oh, yeah! So It's my fault!?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
I jumped (or rather fell) out of bed and landed on the floor with a big thud!  
  
"You sound like an elephant!" Sirius sneered, while picking Rithy off the floor and feeding her a piece of biscuit for his mouth. Groddies…. 


	7. Chapter 6: ohhh... *cackle* Siri is quit...

A/n: Calistra, I did it because I had to.  
  
I am so mad at James!!!! He tried to steal my poor Rithy!!! My poor little baby was locked up in a Pillow Tomb! And worst of all- he lied to me about it! He told me that the pillow was 'none of your business!'  
  
Great! Here he comes now, Mr. Big Hot Quidditch Stud! I care not about him! Right now, he is acting more like a rooster than a stag! Strutting about, acting like he's the Big Head Honcho of everything! I am better than him and he knows it, too!  
  
Okay, calm down, Sirius! What's the first rule of being a Marauder? Don't get mad- get even.  
  
The first thing I decided to do was levitate his bed while he was sleeping. This went over very well, much to my surprise. I had woken up rather early to perform my trick and I levitated his bed (duh). Now, what else could I do? I put a silencing charm around his air born bed, than, as everyone was waking up, eating breakfast, and going down to the pitch (today was a big Quidditch match that Jamsie dearest would be playing in), I sat in our dorm, knitting and eating these scrumptious biscuits that the house elves make for moi in the kitchens. Finally, I decided that James would have enough pain when he woke up, and woke him up by (nicely) throwing my shoe up at his big head. He woke up, almost instantly with a confused 'ugh?' Then he glanced at his watch (the dolt wheres his watch to bed!)  
  
"Sirius! I'm going to be late for my match!" he yelled at me.  
  
"Oh, so it's my fault? I asked, laying down my knitting and letting Rithy leap unto my lap in that cute little way she always does it. I said it in a flat way, not mean, of course,  
  
For I am always polite.  
  
He scowled at me, and then ran to get his robes on. I put the last bit of my biscuit on the tip of my tongue and let Rithy ea it. James came back in.  
  
"That's disgusting!" he blanched I looked up at him, then pulled Rithy into my arms.  
  
"No it's not!" I said, a hint of a warning in my voice.  
  
Already dressed, I went down to the pitch with Rithy alone. I couldn't take any more chances. My widdle snuggle-muffin will have to come with me wherever I go now.  
  
The Qudditch match ended a few hours later, with us winning. And as I walked out of the pitch, snuggling my rithy's warm, soft fur, I decided something: in order to prove that dogs were better than Stags to James, I would have to play the biggest, baddest prank, so bad, it would make Satan cry in vain. My target would be…  
  
  
  
  
  
Severus Snape… (To be Continued)  
  
A/n dun dun dun!!!! 


	8. Chapter 7: uhh... i cant remember what J...

Dear Padfoot,  
  
Stags are better than dogs!  
  
Your pal,  
  
Prongs.  
  
"Get over it, James!" Said Remus "It's not the end of the world!" Sirius got mad at me when he woke up with purple zits all over himself (I tried to make him a frog, but it failed horribly!) What if I go into the bathroom? Sirius was in it again. I heard a zip-zip-zip-kaboom and found out it was his Quidditch handheld. Potions next. I got there and sat in my seat, which is next to Sirius. He gave me the stinky eye and we started taking notes on the- IwaitI, sleeping potion! That's it! I'll use the potion on Sirius and steal his Quidditch handheld after school.  
  
1 liverwort  
  
2dung beetles  
  
1 frog tongue  
  
1 cup of crushed Goliath Beetles  
  
1 cup of sugar  
  
Stir together under 350 () Celsius  
  
There, all done!  
  
Sirius was probably pretending that his pillow was a rabbit, because he was ripping it apart. He opened his mouth (he was probably about to drool) so I dumped the potion into his mouth. He burped after that, and his breath smelled like pepper. I flinched and spied his handheld and I hid it in my trunk, under my invisibility cloak. The next morning, I woke up to a spine- chilling scream above me on the top bunk.  
  
"Sirius, what's going on!?" I asked.  
  
"MY HANDHELD IS GONE AND I MISS THE ZIP-ZIP-ZIP-KABOOM SOUND!!!!!"  
  
"Maybe you misplaced it?" said Remus.  
  
"No! I put it in the same place everyday!"  
  
I whispered in his ear that Peter had flushed it down the toilet.  
  
PETER!!!!!!!!!  
  
Peter squealed and ran away from Sirius, saying he didn't do anything. Sirius went into the bathroom and did something out of his mind! He stuck his whole body down the toilet.  
  
"What are you doing??" I asked  
  
"I'm getting my handheld!"  
  
"No your not!" Said Remus "It's too risky and you're too big to fit in the toilet!"  
  
"You're crazy!" said Peter  
  
"Shut your trap, Peter!" I said  
  
15 minutes later…  
  
Sirius came back with a soaking head and wet robes.  
  
"Actually," Said Remus" I don't think Peter flushed it down the toilet." And he looked around the room and pointed at me. Curse his wolflike senses!  
  
"Cough it up, James!"  
  
"I don't have it!"  
  
Sirius fainted and Peter started fanning him. 


	9. Chapter 8: Siri in a bad mood

Darn James! He took my hand held! And he blamed it on Peter! He lied about it too! Can you believe that? That's the second lie in three days!!!! Remus sniffed him out, though, good thing he's got his werewolf like senses! I can always trust him, not like I can with that dumb deerhead!  
  
Now, I always keep it in my trunk with * 3*! Rithy comes with me wherever I go, and I have my favorite pillow and my autographed picture of Raquel Welch (she kissed it for me as well!) locked up in my trunk with my handheld. I can't trust James anymore!  
  
Now, back to my idea for how to get back at that backstabbing son-of- a-gun. I need to plan the biggest baddest prank, as aforementioned, so that James would be jealous of me. My target of course would be Snape. I mean, who else? It would be a chance for me to get back at him for what he did to me today. See, in potions, he made my Rabbit Transfigamortion potion explode all over me, I mean, I was like drenched in the stuff! Or, at least my head was, and I got these stupid bunny ears now. So, I asked Professor Krunk if I could go to the Hospital wing and get them removed- he refused, and told me to clean the mess up, and that I shouldn't bring explosives to class anymore. Just to add insult to injury, just as I was cleaning up, Snape yelled over to me "Hop to it, Black!" grrr… he is soo going to get it! And then I had to sit all of Transfiguration with them dumb ears! McGonagall wouldn't change them back. Apparently, she thinks they add a 'nice touch'! That's not it, though. I know she thinks I am hot in them!  
  
Okay, Siri, the second rule of being a Marauder? I f your still mad after getting even, get more even! Yes! That's what I already decided that I was going to do, stupid! I'm not stupid, you are! Are not! Are-  
  
"Padfoot, are you talking to yourself again?"  
  
"g'way, moony! I'm busy!"  
  
"But that doesn't answer my question! Are you arguing with yourself or not?"  
  
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I am! And it's not polite to interrupt us, so be off with you!"  
  
" You know, Padfoot, I don't think we'll ever figure you out. Why have you been acting so…err… seriously lately?"  
  
" 'Cause that's my name, furball."  
  
"No, you dolt! I mean with an 'e' not an 'i'!"  
  
"Just 'cause"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I wanna"  
  
"Why?"  
  
I wanna! Now go away!"  
  
"Is it because James took your handheld, and tried to steal your…err… cat? Or is it because of what Snape did to you today in Potions class?"  
  
" Look, moony, Mr. Consular isn't going to help me; GO AWAY!"  
  
FINALLY, he's heeding me. It's about time he left. Moony's been getting on my nerves a lot lately. So has-  
  
"PETER!" GO AWAY! I AM BUSY RIGHT NOW!!!!!!" Peter scuttled out of the dorm room. Apparently, he's still afraid that I'll kill him for taking my handheld. I will. Even though he really didn't. I'm mad at everybody right now. Except for Rithy and Raquel. I could never get mad at them. My widdle Rithy's curled up right now on my chest. Isn't she just the cutest widdle bwall o' fur dat you e'er did see?  
  
Anyway, my plan for the prank of the lifetime would most likely hurt Snape. Hopefully not kill him. Okay, so if it did kill him, hopefully, my hand wouldn't be caught in the homicide. I looked around the room, hoping for ideas to come to me.  
  
There was our desk in the corner. I could drop that on his head from really high up. No, that would be too obvious, and I would get majorly expelled for it, not to mention my mum would bury me alive, after decapitating my head, of course. I need to make it seem like an accident… maybe…  
  
"Hey! Moony!" Remus looked up at me.  
  
"Sorry, Padfoot, but I need to get in here! You can't play king of the dorm all day- our stuffs in here too, you know!" I shook my head.  
  
"When's the next full moon?" I asked, the idea bubbling out of my brain, and making me smile like a rabid badger.  
  
He looked at me kind of funny.  
  
"Next Wednesday. Why?"  
  
"Oh, nothing," I said as innocently as possible "I was just wondering!" This would be perfect! Snape always wondered where Moony went each month. He had always had his suspicions, of course. But now, I am going to get at James. Oh yeah! This was gonna be the thrill of a lifetime, not to mention the prank of a lifetime.  
  
I reached up and grabbed Rithy off my bunk. I was going to go apologize to James. If I am going to do this, I am going to do it right, and that meant making James think that our feud is over- at least until Wednesday! 


End file.
